Last week President Barack Obama presented his State of the Union Address to Congress, the Supreme Court, the Joint Chiefs of Staff and some guy named Milt from Sheboygan, Wisc.
It was a rousing speech about (Note to Editor: Please fill in details from President Obama's SOTU speech here. Thanks.). I always enjoy watching the State of the Union speech and then watching the response to the SOTU from the opposing party. (Editor's Note: No he doesn't. Rodney Hays does not watch politics. He does not listen to politics. He does not vote for politicians. He doesn't even have a voter's registration card or a ticket to the Super Bowl).
Because of my intense passion in politics and the U.S. American political system, I have decided to write my own State of the Union Address and post it here in this forum.
Here we go:
Sergeant at Arms: Ladies and Gentlemen, the Writer of "In Perspective."
(The playing of some type of patriotic music plays as I make my way to the keyboard).
Me: Thank you.
Dear members of Congress, Supreme Court, The Supremes, Joint Chiefs, Milt, Drive-Through Worker at Burger King, The Burger King and other distinguished guests.
I would like to thank you all for reading this SOTU address. I would also like to thank you all for cutting this SOTU address out of this publication and mailing it to the people at Oprah and tell them about what a great writer I am and how it would make a great interview if they would like to invite me on the show.
We stand at a crossroads today. In one direction we have gloom, despair, hardship and Detroit. In the other direction we have hope, renewal, prosperity and Angelina Jolie. I say, we should all head in the direction of Angelina.
That's a joke, of course. Everybody knows Jessica Biel is the hottest girl in Hollywood right now.
Today our country is in financial turmoil. Jobs are disappearing faster than a box of donuts at a Richard Simmons taping. The stock market is losing money. The NFL is threatening a lockout and Lady Gaga was beaten by Taylor Swift at the Grammy's. These are tough times, America.
That's why we have to act now. Why do we have to act now, you ask? What are we to do when nobody really has any answers? Why does Lady Gaga wear the most ridiculous outfits in public?
These are all tough questions that we have to get answered if we are going to put U.S. America back on the right path to hope, prosperity and, to a lesser degree, warmer weather.
Today I am urging Congress to pass a bill to take care of the problems of U.S. Americans. I believe we should start with a jobs package. There are millions of U.S. Americans out of work and millions of others bored out of their minds with the jobs they do have.
I mean, think back, how many of you, when you were kids, dreamed of being accountants and lawyers and life coaches? I see very few hands.
Children today grow up dressing up for Halloween as cowboys, and astronauts and firemen and award-winning humor columnists. They do not dress up like plumbers and mall kiosk workers and salesman.
So, I'm putting before you today a proposal to create not just jobs, but a proposal to create jobs that are fun. Let's make people's jobs fun.
For instance, let's pass a law where all plumbers have to wear clown suits and juggle their pipe wrenches before working on a clogged toilet. That will be fun for the plumber and for the customer, although I would suggest performing the juggling act away from the above mentioned toilet.
I say we make a law making mall kiosk workers use whiteboards to communicate instead of stopping people on their way to Abercrombie and Fitch and asking them if want to smell a small piece of soap that looks similar to a fragrant and colorful rock. From now on those workers have to write everything down and use catchy slogans like "Give our rocks a sniff" or "Stop in today for a free whiff of this stuff."
Granted most U.S. Americans would do like me and pretend to make a phone call on my invisible Bluetooth and avoid making eye contact with these kiosks workers, but I would still share a laugh with the workers if they had signs.
And for sales jobs ... well there's really no way to make those jobs more fun, so let's just concentrate on my next priority ... health care.
Look, Congress, there really is no way to make health care better than it is. Health care is expensive. Doctor visits are expensive. Drugs are expensive. Drug commercials are depressing. Hospitals are expensive. And, lastly, Starbucks coffee is expensive.
Let's pass a law where Starbucks has to bring their coffee prices more in line with what they charge at Dairy Queen. The good folks at DQ make a great cup of coffee and it's usually less than $1 a cup.
Now I realize that DQ's coffee isn't grown in Columbia, but it is grown somewhere and, if you put in enough creamer, it tastes pretty good.
And the old men love to go to DQ, drink coffee and discuss the world's problems. If we give these old men a chance, maybe they will solve the world's problems and we won't have to.
Also, I think we should pass a health care bill.
And make it a law to make more movies with Jessica Biel. And make humor columnists tax exempt. And make Twinkies free to all Americans. And, to pay off the deficit, let's sell Iowa to France.
And then let's all get together and go celebrate Halloween. It's such a fun holiday.
I'm dressing up as Lady Gaga.
Read more of Rodney Hays' humor on his blog at www.rodneyhays.com. Follow him on Twitter at www.twitter.com/rodhays.