Time to start putting the resume together again.
No, I'm not looking for a job. Like Gandhi, being an award-winning humor columnist puts me at the pinnacle of my career. But, like the United States Census Bureau, every ten years I get together, put down a few lies on paper, run it up the flag pole and see who salutes it.
Please do not focus on the text inside the brackets, which is meant as clarifying information only.
My name is Rodney Hays [I did not embellish this fact]. I attended Butner High School in Cromwell Okla. [No, there's not more than one high school in Cromwell, it is a long and confusing story] and graduated in 1985 as the valedictorian of my class [even though I had a 2.8 grade point average]. After high school, I went to the University of Oklahoma [once on a field trip]. I finished with my advanced degree [from Columbia School of Broadcasting] with a 3.6 grade point average [which can only be accomplished by having a 98% attendance rate and a checkbook].
I began my work career in 1986 as an Account Liaison [a glorified data entry clerk] for a billion dollar software company [I'm pretty sure they have at least a billion dollars in sales by now. Surely. Right? Surely.]
During my stay as an Account Liaison [it sounds even better if I say it twice] I was able to cut the time required to enter customer records on a new multi-purposing [business speak meant to confuse the human resource director] data base application by 75% [instead of working an eight-hour day, I only worked about two hours]. I also saved the company nearly $25,000 a year by creating an innovative new technology [called a resignation letter by e-mail].
In late 1987, I began working [in the warehouse pulling orders] for a major Fortune 500 paper supply company. During my tenure at the company, I was able to create a more conducive work environment for about 200 employees [by entertaining them in the break room over our lunch break]. I also succeeded in successfully [that's right I used a version of the word "success" twice] putting together nearly $200 million in sales during my short time there [I mean I boxed up about $200 million worth of merchandise or at least saw that much merchandise on the shelves while I was napping one day].
In 1988, I became a Line of Business Support Manager Lead Supervising Leader [I received a nice title in lieu of pay] at a leading leader in the advertising business [I basically sold ink for t-shirts and caps]. I handled about $20 million in sales [during my ten years there] and was called on a customer base of about 5,000 customers [many of them out of business since the 1820s]. Because of my implementation of a new sales technique [called "Leaving People Alone], I was able to double my territory's sales [when one of the other Line of Business Support Manger Lead Supervising Leaders quit].
In 1998, I became a highly sought after youth minister [mostly I was sought after by the pastor and the deacon body] for a large [it was the largest in Yoakum, Texas] Southern Baptist Church. During my time as a youth minister, I was in charge of a $30,000 budget [to this day still puzzles me] and increased average attendance on Sunday morning and Wednesday night by 100% [we started with four people]. I also implemented several programs to bring about spiritual growth [by offering free psychic readings] and personal growth [by offering a really fattening variety of free pizza]. My ministry also spread to adults [mostly in the form of them yelling at me on the phone] during my employ.
In 2004, I worked in the film industry [by making videos for a children's Sunday School]. During my time there I worked with some legendary talent [including some guy named The Donut Man] and writers [including some guy who claimed to write for "The Kardashians"]. While there I also implemented a program to revolutionize children's ministry [which when I presented it, I was told I was crazy and we didn't need to do that, but now is used almost exclusively]. I also learned how to work with various levels of management [mostly because I had about 14 people who thought they were my boss].
From 1999 through the present -- I have worked as an award-winning humor columnist. During my tenure, I have written columns offering advice on everything from better living [it's good to go to the bathroom at least once a day] to personal finance [send me $100 and I'll tell you how].
Well, there you have it. I hope my resume impresses you nearly as much as it impresses me. And if you have a job for an award-winning columnist [with a salary of at least $1.5 million], let me know. I would be glad to consider your request [I'll take it].
To read more of Rodney Hays' humor, check out his blog at www.rodneyhays.com. Follow him on Twitter and become a friend on Facebook.